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Negotiating Safe Sex

June 25, 2007

Negotiating safe sex is a process in which two or more people with different needs interact in order to reach an agreement around sex that both people are comfortable with. This, however, can be a very tricky thing to do. Especially if one person wants to use a condom while the other person insists on not using one. So what do you do? Here are guidelines from www.stayinformedsonoma.net which are intended to encourage you to think through the process of negotiating safe sex and only do what you are comfortable with.

Think Through The Process Before Meeting

Stay informed about safer sex. Safer sex isn't always about wearing a condom. Sometimes it can be as simple as getting regular STD tests or getting vaccinated for Hepatitis A & B. Choose things that you're comfortable adopting. Keep these in mind the next time you meet up for sex.

Know your boundaries. Decide what level of risk you are willing to take. Have an idea of what you're willing and not willing to do sexually before you meet up for sex. This will help you stay in control and out of harm's way.

Keep your head in a good place. If you're too high or drunk to make good decisions, your risk of doing things you might not do otherwise is greatly increased.

Plan ahead. Know your boundaries and safer sex guidelines. Hell, it wouldn't hurt to carry a few condoms and lube with you, even if the possibility of sex seems remote.

What if your sex partner also has HIV? Although re-infection with a drug-resistant or more aggressive disease-causing strain of HIV is still being debated, it is something to be considered when negotiating safer sex between two HIV-positive sex partners.

Negotiate What You're Comfortable With Once You Meet

Ask a few key questions. If you're nervous about having a conversation about sex, ask a few key questions that can help you make a better decision about what you're willing to do sexually. Questions like: "What's your HIV status?" "Have you been tested for STD's lately?" or "What are you into?" can give you just enough information to help you make decisions about what to do and what not to do sexually.

Have a conversation during a low-key moment. Waiting until you're in the sack and getting hot may not be the best time to negotiate sex. You're already doing it! Find a time earlier in the evening before you enter the bedroom to have the conversation.

Communicate using positive language. Negotiating sex can be difficult as it is. When someone gets defensive it can be even more difficult. Respect your partner's decision, whatever it is. And request that they respect yours.

Be clear about what you want. If you just want lots of kissing, caressing, and touching, then make it clear to them up front. You have the right to determine what you're willing to do sexually and have that respected by a partner. If they don't agree, say good-bye.

Follow through. Once the clothes are off and things start getting hot, it's easy to get caught up in the moment. Never assume your partner will follow-through on the agreement. You are always responsible for your own safety.

Be assertive. Sometimes a sex partner may try to convince you to do something you're not comfortable doing. Be assertive but respectful in your response. If you're not comfortable doing it, then don't. Offer another sexual delicacy that you're both comfortable with. If they still insist, get up and leave.

Thank your partner. If they are willing to have a conversation about sex, thank them! If they followed through on what you both discussed, marry them! Negotiating sex can be difficult. If you both worked together to make it happen, then you both deserve a standing ovation.